Judge, Jury, and Executioner

In the courtroom that is life we all find ourselves playing three roles time and time again. These roles do more to hurt than to help.

Judge.

Jury.

Executioner.

We are the ones who tear our lives apart, lay it out completely raw and pick it apart. We are the reason for our own self-destruction.

I'm no better than any. In fact, admittedly I may be worse than everyone else when it comes to two of these roles. Never has there been a moment where the internal Judge isn't waiting to drop the gavel on my self worth, my feelings, or my relationships. The Jury is in. She's guilty... of whatever the latest disaster may be. She's guilty of destroying a friendship. She's guilty of speaking out of turn. She's guilty. Doesn't matter what it is, the Jury never throws an innocent ruling.

The Jury we all hold within ourselves, the one that's supposed to listen to the facts and make an unbiased choice; it's a crock of horse shit.

There's no way that our internal Jury will tell us we're innocent in the crime. We may not see it on the outside, the things people say, the 'you just don't get it,' or the deafening silence we receive from others--that does more to convince the Jury that the ruling in court must be "Guilty." The facts are distorted by emotions.

Sadness.
      Anger.
           Confusion.
                   Loneliness.

Countdown to self-destruct.

It's in this moment, where the ruling is determined that does the worst. The Executioner comes out, full force, and sets out on a mission to destroy.

Ripping ourselves apart on the inside from the tumultuous mess that is our frail emotional state. It's in this stage that my self-doubt surfaces. Have I ruined this forever? Will they want to speak to me again? What did I do? The answers to the questions without fail never seem to make a positive difference. Yes, I probably have. Best I retreat now. No, they won't want anything to do with me, I messed it all up. I don't know what I did... and if I caused harm why didn't they tell me?

Could I have changed the outcome if I had known?

Yes. I could have, but I wasn't given the chance.

This is the reason that for so many years my bridges have burned, and friendships have been lost. Too often do I find myself painted into a corner because nothing was said. I do not lay blame entirely on others, I can accept responsibility for my actions. Do I often realize in the moment that something I've said has hurt someone? No, and for that I'm sorry to all those who I may have offended or hurt with my words. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself when I say that more often than not I don't understand that what I've said upset you. I'm the kind of person who speaks my mind, and sometimes my words are misinterpreted, or skewed out of context. I've never meant to be malicious. I've never purposely put anyone down or intended to make them feel uncomfortable about themselves or their surroundings.

I am human. I make mistakes, and I say things that I don't mean. I'm brazenly and unapologetically me. I've never tired to be anything but. This means that I can be a total asshole from time to time, and some of the things that I say are unfiltered, but they are never meant to hurt.

Please, tell me in these moments that I need to back down, or make a change.

But it seems there are days that no amount of "I'm sorry" will ever be good enough to keep the Executioner at bay.

And as daylight fades, so sets in the emotional torture.

"You'll never see what you did..."

                  "Nothing is ever your fault..."

                                       "You just don't get it, do you?"

No.

But what I do understand is that I can't keep my head above water for too much longer.




For what it's worth, I'm sorry to those I may have hurt along the way. Whether I'm forgiven in the end is something I may never know.